The empty room....

 

 

Photo by Eunice Stahl on Unsplash

I have been trying to post this for a while, but it has taken me forever to write. This summer my 13-year-old decided that he wanted to live with his dad. This has been the hardest thing I have ever went through as a parent. I thought I had 5 more years until he graduated from school then moved out. I know you are asking yourself why did I even let him go? I didn't want to, believe me! I also didn't want him to hate me for the rest of his life because I made him stay at my house.

 

I live in a very small but wonderful town in Iowa. His father lives in a large town in Iowa. This makes him believe that I am holding him back from the best school. the best athletic career, the best everything. I don't want to be that mom. I want what is best for my kids...and if that means my middle son living with his dad. Then I guess that is what I have to do and hope one day he sees that the grass is not always greener on the other side!

 

He left the last day of school, which was June 1st. With school starting this week it has been really hard. I am getting the other two boys ready for school and tonight is back to school night. I really didn't think that it would go this far. I thought that he would come home before the end of the summer. That didn't happen. In fact, things have gotten worse. He doesn't even want to see or talk to me since he left. That makes things hurt so much more! It also makes me question if I did the right thing! Did I push him further away? What is making things so much worse? 

 

I am not saying that everything was perfect at home when he was living with us. He was the one that got into trouble allot. Most of it was about school but there was also allot of fighting with his younger brother (which they would both get into trouble for). They act like they hate each other. I know this is "normal" for siblings to fight. It is also something that I know nothing about. I was an only child. I don't understand all of this fighting and middle child syndrome stuff!

 

You would think that after 3 months of not seeing each other they would not fight anymore. NOPE! The one weekend that he decides to stay at our house. It took 1 day! That is all! One day for them to all start fighting (over a baseball bag) and that was it. Fists were about to be thrown and allot of words were said. Like how I never helped him or did anything for him! This wasn't even my fight! I was not even involved in this dispute one bit....and now I am again the bad guy! He then stated that he was done with us and wanted his dad to come and get him. So, about an hour later I dropped him off at his dads. Maybe this wasn't the right thing to do. Maybe I should have made them all sit down and hash it out. On the other hand, everyone in that house is so tired of the fighting of siblings. Everyone has said how nice it was no one has been fighting. The only thing that has been bad was mom crying the last 3 months because her baby boy was gone. 

 

I took him back to his dads because I felt like everyone needed time to cool off. I also didn't want him to feel like he was being held somewhere that he didn't want to be, and didn't want to hear how much he thinks I have not been involved in his life. I love him so much and when he said I never did anything for him...my heart was broken all over again! Three months of mom crying starting over! 

 

I can't express how much I miss him. I also can't figure out for the life of me why when he left in June he was happy and sad to go all at the same time. Now he thinks my house is the worst and I have become the worst mother in the world who has never done anything for him! Where did all of this come from and Why is this happening!!! 

 

I keep telling myself that in the end this will be what is best for him. At the same time, it is killing me inside as a mother that has taken care of every cut, bruise, fever, cough and wiped all those tears for the past 13 years will no longer be able to see his beautiful face every day. He is in J.H. and active in sports but there is no way I can leave work for all those events when he is 45 min away plus the other 2 boys have events on the same night! I don't know how I am going to do this!